My Story :)

When I was 10 years old I was about 4’6” and I weighed 75lbs, and I remember being happy that I was the lightest person in the classroom.  But I remember being even more happy that I weighed one pound lighter than the second lightest girl in class.

When I was 12 years old I weighed about 94lbs.  I remember one day talking to the girl who in fifth grade was 1lb heavier than me, and saying “Yeah, I wish I still weighed in the 80s range.  It was better that way.”  

After that I became obsessed with calories.

When I was 13 I was 5” (I stopped growing at that age), and at the beginning of that school year I weighed around 105lbs.  I was super confident, I felt myself to be a fine piece of ass.  I really did.  But by the end of the year I weighed 114lbs and I remember having a breakdown. There went my self-esteem.

When I was 14, I remember weighing myself at my friends house and the scale read 119lbs.  I freaked out, especially because we were going to go to a swim party right after.  Those 5lbs though, were all muscle.  I didn’t know it then and I didn’t care, because I felt myself to be fat.  I was still a size 0 though…

The weekend before my first day of high school I went jean shopping at Hollister and freaked the fuck out because I was a size 3.  By the middle/end of my freshman year I was about 124-7lbs.

The summer after freshman year, I started taking laxatives.  By the end of that summer I was down to about 120lbs.

Since my freshman year I had always tried to make myself throw up but never could… sophomore year, I figured out how.

Sophomore year, I was not only using laxative but making myself throw up.  When I stopped, I gained 10lbs and weighed 130lbs by the end of the first semester.  Second semester I was determined to lose weight and lost 10lbs by the end of the school year.

That summer I lost 15lbs in about 3 weeks because I starved myself and then had the stomach flu.  When I went to the doctor and she weighed me I was 115lbs.  I was a size 0 again.  One week later, my family (who had already been suspicious of my eating habits) literally forced me to eat.  But since I had been starving myself, eating that food led me to binge.

At the beginning of junior year I weighed 120lbs. My best friend found about about my eating habits and told me that I had to start eating more.  Well, I ate more.  But that quickly spiraled into a binge-purge cycle, especially since all of my eating was stress induced and I was under a lot of stress CONSTANTLY.  By the end of first semester I weighed about 140lbs.  When I found out, I just about died.  I seriously had never hated myself so much.  So I started fasting more.  But then I started a fast-binge-purge cycle, and I lost hardly any weight.  By the end of junior year I weighed 138bs.

That summer, I did swim (I had done swim the year before and I thought it would help since it was a great workout), I didn’t exercise much that summer.  A friend of mine died right before school let out and I was depressed.  I didn’t want to do anything, literally.  But then in mid-July my best friend staged an intervention for me and told me to stop purging and to stop being negative…after I started to get out of my slump and by the end of the summer I weighed 136lbs.

The beginning of senior year I did cross country and when the season ended I weighed 129lbs.  But then winter came and I gained about 6lbs. And I couldn’t stop hating myself.

When my purging started, I would purge everyday at least twice a day and a “purge session” would last anywhere from 15 to 60 minutes.  The enamel on my teeth started to literally disappear.  My throat would always be sore.  I had horrible abdominal pain.  I lost A LOT OF HAIR.  My complexion went to hell.  I developed callouses on my knuckles from self-induced vomiting… there are so many other side effects that I developed…

Well, in January of 2011 (second semester of my senior year) a friend of mine actually replied to one of my tumblr posts where I was saying  how I was going to have to throw up all night or whatever, and we exchanged a few messages, and it was then when I decided to make a change.  I purged twice after that (the following week and week after) and I have not binged or purged since then.

And since then, I work out everyday.  I run 2-5miles everyday, do Jillian Michaels workouts, ride my bike for 30-90 minutes, and eat around 800-1000 net calories a day.

My progress is slow.  But I don’t care.  I love myself now and I am happy.

And if you actually read all of this, wow thank you, you’re lovely

:)