When I was 10 years old I was about 4’6” and I weighed 75lbs, and I remember being happy that I was the lightest person in the classroom. But I remember being even more happy that I weighed one pound lighter than the second lightest girl in class.
When I was 12 years old I weighed about 94lbs. I remember one day talking to the girl who in fifth grade was 1lb heavier than me, and saying “Yeah, I wish I still weighed in the 80s range. It was better that way.”
After that I became obsessed with calories.
When I was 13 I was 5” (I stopped growing at that age), and at the beginning of that school year I weighed around 105lbs. I was super confident, I felt myself to be a fine piece of ass. I really did. But by the end of the year I weighed 114lbs and I remember having a breakdown. There went my self-esteem.
When I was 14, I remember weighing myself at my friends house and the scale read 119lbs. I freaked out, especially because we were going to go to a swim party right after. Those 5lbs though, were all muscle. I didn’t know it then and I didn’t care, because I felt myself to be fat. I was still a size 0 though…
The weekend before my first day of high school I went jean shopping at Hollister and freaked the fuck out because I was a size 3. By the middle/end of my freshman year I was about 124-7lbs.
The summer after freshman year, I started taking laxatives. By the end of that summer I was down to about 120lbs.
Since my freshman year I had always tried to make myself throw up but never could… sophomore year, I figured out how.
Sophomore year, I was not only using laxative but making myself throw up. When I stopped, I gained 10lbs and weighed 130lbs by the end of the first semester. Second semester I was determined to lose weight and lost 10lbs by the end of the school year.
That summer I lost 15lbs in about 3 weeks because I starved myself and then had the stomach flu. When I went to the doctor and she weighed me I was 115lbs. I was a size 0 again. One week later, my family (who had already been suspicious of my eating habits) literally forced me to eat. But since I had been starving myself, eating that food led me to binge.
At the beginning of junior year I weighed 120lbs. My best friend found about about my eating habits and told me that I had to start eating more. Well, I ate more. But that quickly spiraled into a binge-purge cycle, especially since all of my eating was stress induced and I was under a lot of stress CONSTANTLY. By the end of first semester I weighed about 140lbs. When I found out, I just about died. I seriously had never hated myself so much. So I started fasting more. But then I started a fast-binge-purge cycle, and I lost hardly any weight. By the end of junior year I weighed 138bs.
That summer, I did swim (I had done swim the year before and I thought it would help since it was a great workout), I didn’t exercise much that summer. A friend of mine died right before school let out and I was depressed. I didn’t want to do anything, literally. But then in mid-July my best friend staged an intervention for me and told me to stop purging and to stop being negative…after I started to get out of my slump and by the end of the summer I weighed 136lbs.
The beginning of senior year I did cross country and when the season ended I weighed 129lbs. But then winter came and I gained about 6lbs. And I couldn’t stop hating myself.
When my purging started, I would purge everyday at least twice a day and a “purge session” would last anywhere from 15 to 60 minutes. The enamel on my teeth started to literally disappear. My throat would always be sore. I had horrible abdominal pain. I lost A LOT OF HAIR. My complexion went to hell. I developed callouses on my knuckles from self-induced vomiting… there are so many other side effects that I developed…
Well, in January of 2011 (second semester of my senior year) a friend of mine actually replied to one of my tumblr posts where I was saying how I was going to have to throw up all night or whatever, and we exchanged a few messages, and it was then when I decided to make a change. I purged twice after that (the following week and week after) and I have not binged or purged since then.
And since then, I work out everyday. I run 2-5miles everyday, do Jillian Michaels workouts, ride my bike for 30-90 minutes, and eat around 800-1000 net calories a day.
My progress is slow. But I don’t care. I love myself now and I am happy.
And if you actually read all of this, wow thank you, you’re lovely